Valentine’s Day: that glorious day of overpriced roses, forced sentimentality, and pretending you actually like each other 100% of the time. Let’s be real—no one cares about your heartfelt attempt at poetry, Karen. If you want to make an impression, skip the clichés and go straight for the jugular (metaphorically, of course) with a greeting card that shows how much you care (or don't).

Here’s our list of the absolute best cards to help you say, “I love you,” without being cringy. Ew.

 

"I Choo Choo Choose You"

Ah, Classic. Straight out of the Simp... Cartoons (I can't say for legal reasons). Nothing says “forever” like referencing a cartoon character who can’t get his life together. This card doesn't only scream “I tolerate you just enough to give you this card instead of ghosting you after dinner”, It also screams “Here, I put in about as much effort as you did when you bought me those flowers from 7/11 last year.”

 

"You Zing My Box"

Let’s be honest: if your partner doesn’t understand the brilliance of fried chicken, dump them immediately. And if you don’t get the appeal of a Zinger Box, I’m assuming you’re a sociopath. If fried chicken isn’t your love language, what the hell even are you? Don't answer that. If they don’t laugh at this, they’re either a vegetarian or dead inside. Or usually both.

"Remember When You Used to Hold in Your Farts? I Really Miss Those Days"

Ah, the honeymoon phase—when your partner still cared enough to clench for you. This card perfectly captures the tragic transition from “soulmates” to “smelly roommates.” Nothing screams intimacy like weaponised flatulence. This is also a great way to communicate “Please, for the love of God, invest in some Febreze.”

"I Really Love Fucking You - I Mean, I Really Fucking Love You"

Subtlety? Never heard of her. This card is for when you want to be romantic and remind your partner why they stick around. It’s raw, honest, and possibly the only card on this list that might get you laid. Gross.

"You’re the Burger to My Fries"

Okay, time to be cute-ish. Because nothing says “I love you” like equating your partner to fast food. This card pretty much says “You’re my partner in crime, my comfort food, and the reason I don’t fit into my jeans anymore.”